A LOT with Audra

Ep06
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​[00:00:00]

Audra Dinell: Hey, welcome back this week to A Lot With Audra. I'm so glad you're here. I have been getting so many DMs and texts and having conversations with listeners, I guess is what I would call you and just getting really good feedback from you. So I just want to say thank you for every single person who has left a review.

Reached out in DMs, sent me an email, sent me a text, pulled me aside to say, Hey, I'm listening to the podcast. [00:01:00] It just, it's so exciting. And it's really helpful to hear what you're enjoying, what has been resonating with you. And that has been the reason that I've decided to do this episode, how we can show up for our kids, because episode number three about showing up for yourself has been by far the most popular episode.

I don't know if that's true for analytics, but in terms of feedback I've gotten. I've heard from many of you who have said how helpful that was. That's just what you needed to hear. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I have started this habit in the mornings of waking up about 5 30 is when my alarm typically goes off and I love to crawl out of bed.

Pour myself a cup of coffee. I usually take a drink or two of water before that. I know that's not what health experts say is the best thing to do, but I [00:02:00] love my morning coffee and I like to crack open a book and read. My children are like me and they're early risers one more than the other.

So if I can get like an hour of reading in and journaling in between that, oh my gosh, it just truly fills my metaphorical cup up. And one of the books that I have been reading is called Seen and it's by Will Hutcherson and Chinwe Williams Mrs. Williams is, a board certified, licensed

professional counselor and Will is a national speaker and founded a company called Curate Hope, which helps the next generation find ways out of anxiety and depression. So anyways, I'm reading this book called Scene and it had a whole chapter on how we can show up for our kids. So I'm going to start off by saying this content that I'm going to share with you.

They give us five [00:03:00] tips. It was just so good. And so. Gosh, relevant to me and my life that I was like, I have to share this on the podcast. I think if people are so excited about how to show up for themselves, they, if you're listening to this podcast and are a parent, I guarantee you're an intentional one.

And I just thought, Like me, you might want to hear these tips. Now I'm going to share my own stories too. I'm not just going to read from the chapter, but I just wanted to make it very clear that this content is from the book show scene, and it's about how to show up for our kids. So you've heard me talk before about how early in my parenting journey, my husband and I went to this conference that a psychologist was Spoke at and she shared something that was really helpful to me and it was to play with your kids for 10 minutes a day.

So I am not perfect at that, but I have also done a type of therapy that shared [00:04:00] that practice too. In fact at that time it was five minutes and it was really specific kind of play. But I think that has just been a really great general rule that I have tried to attempt as a parent and I feel like.

As a parent, obviously we know perfection is off the table. You just can't. Like, I used to think before I was a parent that I just had to be this fully formed, perfect human adult before I could bring kids into the world. I remember clocking every decision I made in those early like days, weeks, months, and being like, okay, I think I've done things perfectly so far.

And then the further I get in on my parenting journey, I mean, I have no less desire to be intentional, but I have no false belief at this point, eight years in, I have an eight and a half year old. I have no false belief that anyone can be the perfect parent.

I also know [00:05:00] that as intentional as I try to be, I can't be intentional all the time. I just do my best, right? So, those 10 minutes have been an impactful thing that have carried me through the past eight years. And I think some of the. The chapter in this book scene called show up, it talks about practices like that.

Okay. So here's the thing I'm learning as a parent over the last couple of years, I'm learning about something called Attachment theory. And as parents, our goal is to build a secure attachment with our children. I don't know enough about that to talk about it on this podcast. It's something I'm still learning about.

But overall, this chapter was talking about if we show up for our kids, like that's really what we're talking about as the goal to create this secure attachment that will help them thrive in adulthood. Okay. So tip number one, how can we show up for our kids? The first way we can do [00:06:00] this is show up before they ask.

The chapter talks about how it's our responsibility as a parent to make time for a potential connection. And for me, I also added in not to bring expectation into that time. So, I don't know about you, but like, the older my kids get, obviously the more, like, they develop their own interests, their own hobbies.

Oldest likes to read. My youngest loves to play with the dog. I laugh because he's just such a funny little guy. I love both of them so much. And, I love that my oldest is a reader, because, you know, I am too. And so we have that in common and my youngest is learning and it's just so fun. Okay. So part of when they're growing up and getting older is they're developing things that they like to do.

And sometimes those aren't things that we like to do. My boys both love to play Minecraft and, [00:07:00] oy, It's just the time that I use when they get their, you know, tech time for the day, I use that time to do other things. I don't, I don't want to play Minecraft with them. But showing up before they ask. I find often my kids are not going to ask.

At this stage in this way, my kids will say, mom, mom, mom, mom, come look at this. Mom, come look at that. But sometimes I find like if, if my kids are having tech time and I can make the time to just sit with them on the couch for five minutes and watch them play Minecraft or watch a show with them, that's, I'm not going to do that every time, but I do.

Do that sometimes and I can tell it makes a difference in our connection like they just smile. They maybe snuggle up a little closer So showing up before they ask and then the reason I say not to bring expectations That's the part that I added to it that I feel like [00:08:00] I am learning as a parent It's so often like I have an expectation of this like connection I want to have and for me, you know as an adult as a woman You know, I want to talk to them.

Like, I want to have a good conversation. And I'm laughing because if you know some Almost six and eight year old boys. That doesn't always happen, right? And when I show up for them, when they're not asking me to show up, especially, I have to really check my expectation of that type of connection at the door.

I am not going to get a solid conversation with them most of the time. So tip number two, it also talks about showing up. This book talks about showing up for what matters to them. So a couple more things my kids are currently into. They're both into soccer. My oldest is really creative and he's always writing a book or, wanting to film a video or writing a song.

My youngest loves to [00:09:00] cuddle. He is into coloring. I think back to my childhood and I had a mother who at that time, This is what she did. She showed up for what mattered to me. She showed up for dance practices and recitals. She showed up for soccer games. She showed up for cheer.

Anytime I was cheering at someone else's sport, my mom was there watching the basketball game and watching me cheer. My competitive cheer team, went to nationals in Florida and She went to Florida. I was privileged to grow up with a mother who did this and led by example.

And I'm so grateful for that. And innately before reading this book, for sure, that was something I was doing for my kids. That was something that I knew was important to me. I knew how impactful it was as a child to me. And so I knew like, I want to be the mom who's at the soccer games, or at the school dance, or at the spelling bee, [00:10:00] right?

If my kids, if it's important to them, I want to be there. So sometimes for me, like, I'll check in and say, Hey, you know, do you want mom to volunteer at your class party? You know, both of my kids are thankfully still in the aging stage. I say thankfully, thankfully, thankfully. To me that they want me there at all their school events at, they want me to be the volunteer as much as I can.

They want me to bring them lunch to school. So sometimes I will check in and see, Hey, what matters to you? And I also want to knock on that perfection door again here. It's not perfect. Yes. I want to be the mom who attends all the soccer games. You know, my mom has made it very clear to me that growing up.

She had a job that she went to that she enjoyed and enjoyed the people, but like family was the biggest part of her life. She's made it clear that, that there's a difference. Like I have [00:11:00] this business and career that I love that I want to show up for that does sometimes seep into family times the way her job did not.

And I know many of you are in the same boat. As me, so I just wanted to just make sure we're not holding ourselves to any standard of perfection. I want to emulate the parenting I received from my mom in this way. And I know I'm a different human and also 2025 is much different than when I was growing up in the nineties.

A lot more going on. It feels like, so there will be times I miss the soccer game. There will be times I miss. Volunteering for XYZ. Sometimes work will take priority over that. And I have no problems with that. I just want to make sure it feels good. To me, the percentage of times that's happening. And I feel like that percentage is different from, for everyone.

But showing up for what matters to them. So even I'm thinking of our very last soccer season and my husband was coaching both teams and oftentimes like I'd pick one [00:12:00] kid up and then leave with the other kid. This year I'm going to aim to linger a little bit more at their soccer games.

I am an extrovert, no one is surprised, and so I love getting to know the parents on the team and knowing all the kids names. And so, that's one little tip, personally, that I think I'm going to be taking from this point in the book scene. I'm going to show up for what matters to my kids. And I can elevate this year on the soccer field.

But again, I just want to point out, no perfection, check in with yourself, make sure it's aligned the way you're showing up the way you can show up, make sure it's aligned to your success, like what you want success to look like. And that can be so different in every season of parenthood, depending on what else is going on in our world.

Okay, so I said there's five tips. There's actually six. Did I say five? Did I say six? I don't know, but there are six. So the third tip [00:13:00] is, okay, this one was the reason I was like, I think I'm going to record a podcast on this because this is going to be a game changer for me. And it already has been since I've applied it.

Tip number three, show up for your kids when it's inconvenient. So my kids. Go to bed about eight o'clock every night. In the summer, we push it back a little bit because it stays light so long. When it's bedtime, like I am, that switch has flipped. Like I do the kind of bedtime routine countdown for an hour before bed where it's like, all right guys, it's time to pick up, stop what you're doing, get in the bath.

And so by the time eight o'clock hits, like I am ready. To be done with my second shift, I'm ready to be done parenting and I'm ready, honestly, to spend time with my husband. In the summers, we tend to spend our evenings on the porch, [00:14:00] chatting and sharing a drink. In the winters, I tend to be curled up with a book or like, we're watching a series of something or we're just having conversation, right?

So. I'm ready. I'm ready for parenting to be done zo for the night. And yes, I just said done zo. Shout out Laguna Beach. Okay, so here's the tip. Inconvenient. Show up when it's inconvenient. So I have recently, my kids, okay, this is why I'm saying this, my kids want to Of course, like it's bedtime. My kids are like, all right, it's bedtime.

Like, how can I keep mom's attention for this much longer? So my kids just want to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And usually I'm like talking for a few minutes and then I'm like, all right, y'all it's bed. So instead I've just adjusted my expectations and this has just been this winter. I have adjusted my expectations to let myself know I might have less time for myself or.[00:15:00]

for my marriage because I'm going to let this go on a little bit longer, but it's just been a mental switch where I'm like, okay, be prepared to talk to them for up to 20 minutes. Now, I will admit some nights, like, I, like I said, I used to have like a two minute window of tolerance of like, all right, it's bedtime.

Yes, we can have one little conversation, but it's gotta be quick. Some nights it's like making it to 10 minutes is really all I can do, but I'm trying to let my mind expand in the capacity I have for showing up for my kids when it's inconvenient, which for me is bedtime. That's the whole point of this.

So I don't know if you can relate to that, but I just thought, wow, that's a tip that is going to hopefully help increase and grow and continue to build a really strong bond with my kids. Okay, tip number four, show up for your kids often. So this is where that [00:16:00] whole 10 minutes comes in for me, because if I'm showing up for my kids for at least 10 minutes every day, no matter what, that is often.

So one way I'm implementing this is in this season of life during breakfast time, and I'm not doing this every day, but I am trying to pause And just like sit with them. Typically like during our breakfast schedule, it's like my husband's getting their breakfast on the table. He's making breakfast for me too.

I'm kind of like getting ready or like throwing a load of laundry in, switching over the dishwasher. I'm always moving and always busy. And so I've been trying lately to just sit, we have a little breakfast table that they sit at and we've got a bench across from it and I've just been trying to sit. at the breakfast table and be with them.

So either way you do it, show up often for your [00:17:00] kids. Like I said, that 10 minute tip has just been a game changer for me. Okay. Tip number five. This one is convicting. Show up undistracted. You know, we talk a lot about technology in my house. We have a fair amount of boundaries around it. It has been one of the biggest challenges of our parenting journey, as I'm sure many 2025 parents will say.

But as much as I harp on it for the kids and put boundaries on it for the kids, I just really have to check myself here. So much of my work is done on my phone. So much of my connection to other people is done on my phone. So much of our schedule, like our family life and logistics, So those are just like the productive things that I do.

And then of course there's scrolling. For me, it's usually just like, you know, Instagram scrolling or Pinterest scrolling. I've gotten really back into Pinterest lately that is just really convicting to [00:18:00] me of like, okay, my kids notice when I have my phone in my hand, my kids notice when I'm distracted, my kids notice when they don't have my full presence because.

Of technology, that's one big distraction, but for me too, it can just be being in my head, thinking about something else. So if we really want to show up for our kids, what I am finding personally is this distraction is one of the biggest issues. If it's not my technology, it's my thoughts. And so one thing I'm just continuously in my life trying to practice is being where my feet are.

Have you ever heard that quote? Be where your feet are. Or another quote that I like is be here now. I like that one even better because it just reminds me like if I'm driving in the car And my kids are talking about something that I think's a little silly, that I'm like, yeah, [00:19:00] yeah, okay. But really, my brain is thinking about, okay, when I get home, and I know you have to be guilty of this, like, especially if you're a mother, like, whose brain does not operate this way?

Okay, when we get home, we're gonna do snacks, and then I'll give them their tech time. During their tech time, I'm gonna do this, and then after that, we're gonna do this. Like, my brain is always constantly trying to live in the future. So this was a super convicting one for me, too. How we can help our kids feel seen, how we can help create this secure attachment to them so that they are thriving in adulthood.

How we can show up for them is to be with them with our full presence, undistracted. Okay. Last tip is to be with them when they are hurting. You know, we are not quite deep, deep in this stage yet. Like I imagine we will be, Oftentimes when I think about this now, it's when my kids are physically hurting, you know, my oldest broke his arm this summer.

My youngest is literally always [00:20:00] bumping around on something. And so just, just giving my physical presence to them when they're hurting, but also my husband has been doing a really beautiful job of this lately. You know, one of my kids will bottle, bottle some things up and there's just little clues that he can, you know, We can see that he's been really good about being proactive about and he'll just like physically spend some more time in his room with him.

And for me, it's like go going in physically sitting on the couch with them is the thing I think about, you know, when they're doing their tech. So just being with them when they're hurting. Okay. So those were the six tips of how we can show up as parents. And again, I just want to share, I just felt like this was such good Super simple practices that we could take the ones that we feel we need to take like in our gut and work on.

Can't, you know, we can't do it all, but I just thought, man, this [00:21:00] is just such good information. And if the people listening to my podcast care about showing up and this podcast is about the a lotness of life. That includes the a lotness of being a parent because being a parent is a lot. And so I just wanted to share these tips because I thought, man, these are too good to hold on to.

And this book is not a hugely popular book from what I can see. You know, it hasn't been on the bestsellers list, but those tips are solid. Those tips are easy. Okay. So thank you for being here. I would say this does apply to not just parenthood. This can apply to any relationship, right? This can apply to your co workers in ways.

This could apply to, you know, if you're a caregiver for your older parents. This could apply to friendships. I've got some friends going through some really hard things right now and just kind of checking in on them. It's a way that I'm trying to show up for them and help them be seen, you know, checking in on them often [00:22:00] or before they're asking for help, of course.

So I hope these tips were helpful to you as helpful as they were to me. Thank you all so much for being here and listening. If this episode resonated with you, would you leave a review? Make sure you're subscribing to the podcast. We are just getting rolling and we are going to be talking about ambition and career and parenting and relationships and mental health and So much good juicy stuff that you don't want to miss it.

This is a bite sized podcast meant to be consumed in 30 minutes or less. So you can listen to it on your morning commute, on your morning break walk, on your Monday lunch, on your way home from work. We're dropping it every Monday. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for reviewing.

Please share if this was helpful at all. If one tip resonated with you, would you share it on social media? Just share and say, Hey, I love this podcast. Here's the tip that I'm going to try this [00:23:00] week. I love to hear from you. So thank you again. You can find me at Audra Dinell on Instagram, LinkedIn. I'm on Facebook a little bit.

You can shoot me an email. All my contact info is on the page. So thank you again. And I will see you next week.